Something Positive About Transformers?

Over the weekend while consuming the summer season’s first cinematic tour de force, I saw the new trailer for the next Transformers movie.  It kills me to say this, but the trailer was really good. Maybe it was my overall jovial mood or maybe it was the theater packed with cheering moviegoers that made the difference. Or maybe, just maybe, Transformers 3 might actually be a decent movie? (Gasp!)

Anyone who follows my blogging, or knows me in person, is aware of my utter disdain for the filmmaker behind the Transformers movies, Michael Bay. Despite the fact that the Transformers movies have made gazillions of dollars, they are soulless, inane, disorienting messes. They are all spectacle with no heart, no trace of a coherent story or well drawn characters.  Things I consider to be essential ingredients in a movie.

I’ve been ragging on T-Form 3 since it was announced they were doing another one, especially about the fact that it was being shot in 3D. I can’t think of a more vertigo-inducing experience than a Michael Bay in the third dimension. Bay’s knack for using quick cuts and shaky close ups makes his flat movies hard to watch. However, Bay has said that he needed to stop moving his camera so much in order to use 3D. This is encouraging.

But Bay has not yet earned my money.

Bay has also been talking a lot of smack about Transformers 2 lately. (Although it’s easy to come out and say your movie sucks after it’s been universally panned by nearly everyone.) Bay promises that T-Form 3 will be better than T-Form 2. While that’s all well and good, it doesn't fill me with confidence.  Just because Revenge of the Sith is better than the other two prequels doesn’t mean it’s a good movie. To Bay, the high bar seems to have been set with the first Transformers movie. For me, that’s not high enough. I don’t just want Transformers 3 to be better than 2. I want it to be better than 1.

Admittedly my interest is piqued by the new T-Form trailer, but beast we forget that the original Transformers movie had a great trailer too—a trailer good enough to get my butt in the seat. And that one didn’t turn out so good.

For the time being, I will temper my feelings about Transformers 3. I believe Michael Bay when he says he’s making a movie better than the last one.  But I don’t have hope that he will completely correct course and make a decent movie.  I would love to be wrong about this.  But I’m going to have to let the public convince me of that first, before I can truly buy into the promise of the trailer.

The Obligatory Summer Movie List

As a kid, summer used to mean everything. No school. Long days. Camp. Now that I’m a workin’ man, the only thing that summer means is that it’s hotter outside when I trudge back and forth to the office. Well, that and movies.

As we rapidly approach the start of the summer movie season, which seems to start a little bit earlier every year, here are the things that are attracting my attention.*


*There are dozens of other movies coming out, some of which may be good, but this list is already long enough.


I THINK (HOPE) THEY WILL BE GOOD

STAR TREK
I’m not a Trekker, but I’m a nerd. This movie looks awesome.

UP
It’s Pixar. Nothing more needs to be said.

(500) DAYS OF SUMMER
A new approach to boy meets girl. I read this script a few years ago. It was charming. It was heartbreaking. It was the thinking person’s romantic comedy. I hear the movie has done the script justice.

THE HANGOVER
Three guys attempt to find their friend who went missing the night before during their Vegas bachelor party. It’s got all the ingredients for a great comedy. It’s from the director of Old School and Road Trip and it’s got Zach Galifianakis and Ed Helms.

PUBLIC ENEMIES
Johnny Depp as Dillinger. Though the trailer gives away way too much, I think this one’s going to have style to spare.

TERMINATOR: SALVATION
I’m cautiously optimistic for this one. I just hope it’s not brainless.

BRUNO
If you loved Borat… It’s going to be very funny only if all of the jokes haven’t been spoiled before you see the movie. It already has a lot to live up to. I’m currently on media lockdown on this one.

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS
Similar to Star Trek, I’m not usually a fan of WWII movies…unless they’re directed by Quentin Tarantino

EXTRACT
It’s Mike Judge (Office Space). Nothing more needs to be said.

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS – See the trailer? I think this looks great.


JUST NOT SURE ABOUT THESE

WOLVERINE
It’s going to be big and bloated and not nearly as good as X-Men 1 and 2. However, I’m sure it will be better than X-Men 3.

FUNNY PEOPLE
My man crush on Seth Rogen not withstanding, Judd Apatow looks like he’s channeling James L. Brooks. I want to believe that this is going to be great, but I just don’t know.

LAND OF THE LOST
Will Ferrell has tried big budget blockbusters before (remember Bewtiched?). I hope that this time he gets it right.

TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE
I am madly in love with the book. But there is no way that the movie is going to do it justice.


RUN FAR AWAY

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST
How many times can Matthew McConaughey play the same role? According to WonderWife™, as many times as he wants. That doesn’t mean I need to be there.

TRANSFORMERS 2 - It’s Michael Bay. Nothing more needs to be said.

YEAR ONE
I hate to hate on this one with Judd Apatow producing, Harold Ramis (“Groundhog Day”) directing and Jack Black and Michael Cera starring, but I think it’s gonna be a stinker.

GI JOE
Stephen Sommers looks like he’s channeling Michael Bay.

ICE AGE 3
It’s got Scrat and dinosaurs, so there’s a 100% chance I’m going to be seeing this with the Bean. But that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be good.

DANCE FLICK
It looks way better than EPIC MOVIE or MEET THE SPARTANS, but that’s not saying very much. But why make a parody when the main movie you are spoofing (in this case “Save the Last Dance”) is over 8 years old?

ANGELS AND DEMONS
Tom Hanks pisses off Catholicism once again. As a child of the 80s, it’s sad that I don’t care about Tom Hanks anymore. It’s not that I think this will be a bad movie, but it’s one that I’m wholeheartedly not interested in seeing.

(click to read)

Things Learned During Super Bowl XLIII

• When you throw a party for 40 people and cook 7 different appetizers plus dessert, you’re not going to end up watching a lot of the game. In fact, you're going to spend the greater portion of your weekend prepping for the party. Thankfully, I am not a rabid football fan and I love to cook.

• Never make a bet with my friend K. She has an uncanny ability to always win. It doesn’t matter if she sets the bet or if I do, she always wins. Yet ever year, I am compelled to bet with her. I’m currently trying to wash the “sucker” that’s been printed on my forehead.

• If you serve something with bacon, you will make the crowd at your party very happy. In this case it was bacon crackers. (Leaving it up to your imagination what exactly those are.)
  

• If you serve something fried, you will make the crowd at your party very happy. In this case, won tons filled with chocolate.

• The Bean loves football, but admittedly doesn’t understand it.

• TRANSFORMERS 2 looks exactly like TRANSFORMERS 1, which means TRANSFORMERS 2 is probably going to suck just as much as TRANSFORMERS 1 but will inexplicably make just as much money. But come on, we knew this already. Way to go Micheal Bay!
  

• The GI JOE movie kind of reminds me of TRANSFORMERS, but in no way does it resemble anything I remember about GI Joe.
  

• It’s a good idea to have a 3D ad during the game, but it would have been great if I could have found the glasses anywhere! Guess I'm not watching "Chuck" tonight either.
  

• If you ever think about punching a koala in the face, that means it’s time for a new job. I bet this is especially true if you happen to be a zookeeper.

• If you’re going to be able to watch the last ten minutes of a football game, it’s a plus if those ten minutes are really close and really exciting. Even if you end up losing to K.

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Actors

The writers strike is over, which means that Hollywood is picking up the pieces and getting back to work. However, there is the looming threat of an actors’ strike. This is giving us a kind of good news/bad news situation when it comes to my favorite upcoming sequel, TRANSFORMERS 2.

The good news is that the threat of the strike is making it harder for the movie to meet its July 2009 release date. Though this doesn’t seem to concern auteur Michael Bay, who apparently doesn’t really need actors to make a movie.

"If there is a strike, we shut down, but shutting down isn't that big a deal," Bay said. (Variety, February 28, 2008)

The bad news is that there are currently three writers feverishly working away at the script. It’s hard to believe that it would take three people to create what is sure to be as taut and logical a story as the first one, but that's what it takes to succeed in the entertainment industry these days.

"They did a detailed outline before the writer's strike, and now they are in Michael Bay jail, holed up in a hotel and working feverishly," Bay said. "We're paying for a beautiful suite and they are getting a lot of work done. Hiring three writers was unusual, but it has been a godsend in getting us to where we need to be. Somehow you find a way to get it done." (Variety, February 28, 2008)

I’m guessing that the “somehow” he’s referring to is cutting out anything in the story that makes sense in favor of louder explosions and more choppy, nauseating camera work. The man is a genius people. And you can’t argue with genius.

It’s not like any of this really matters. Bay could shoot a turd transforming into a toadstool and it would still make a quarter of a billion dollars.

An Open Letter to Michael Bay

Transformers sold 8.3 million copies on DVD in its first week on sale. To honor that special occasion, I am re-posting this letter:

Dear Michael Bay,

I want to thank you for the time I spent watching your latest masterpiece, Transformers. As expected, it was very big and very loud and very long. Summer blockbusters usually don't live up to the hype, but I know you poured your heart into this movie and boy, did it show. The special effects were amazing. The intricate designs of the Transformers were astounding. And I know you know this because you were thoughtful enough to shoot everything close up, so we could really see it. Sure it was a bit difficult to make out the Autobots from the Decepitcons, but trying to figure out what exactly is going on in the middle of an action scene is part of the fun, right? I'm sure the choreography of the fight scenes were intricate and dazzling. And I very much appreciated the cinema verite hand-held camera work. The dizziness and headache that I got during the movie really helped me feel like I was part of the action, even long after the movie was over.

I'm glad you paid close attention to making sure the story was tight and made sense. There was not a wasted minute on screen. I know that each time Shia and the hot chick were arrested, it worked to ramp up the tension and didn't feel repetitive at all. It felt totally natural that a rogue fraction of the government would want to get in the way of our heroes saving the day because as we know, the government is evil. I'm sure Section 7 had good reasons for wanting to make sure Shia failed in helping Optimus defeat Megatron, though there wasn't enough time in the movie to explain it. I realize that it's hard to tell a full story in two and a half hours, so I'm going to chalk up the many plot holes to simply not having enough time. I mean, it took Peter Jackson three movies to tell the whole Lord of the Rings story, right?

I must also commend you on the amazing performances you got out of your cast. Sure, Shia was great but when is he not, right? I'm talking about the tour de force of John Turturro and Jon Voight. In my humble opinion, they gave the performances of their careers and will surely not be forgotten come awards season.

And may I say that you, sir, are truly a master of comedy. You have filled the movie with tons of comic relief, needed or not, because you know that movie audiences love to laugh. I think my favorite part was when the guy from Las Vegas had to fish the wallet out of the other soldier's pants so he could make an emergency call to the Pentagon all while in the middle of being attacked by a giant fucking robot. Not only was it hilarious, but it was well timed and concieved. And bravo to you for the set piece where the Transformers had to hide from Shia's parents. I thought it had been done to perfection in The Iron Giant, but boy was I wrong.

Despite your critics, I didn't feel that there was a moment in the movie that was overblown or forced. After all, what's a summer movie without a throbbing soundtrack that tells the audience exactly how they're supposed to feel at any given moment. I certainly don't want to work too hard in the theater. It's hot outside and frankly, I haven't got the energy.

It's also good to see that you're helping bring much needed ad revenue to some companies. After seeing your movie, I want to rush out and guzzle some Mountian Dew while driving a GM car. In fact, I'm writing this now on an HP computer with a Panasonic screen. I know that these products brought gritty realism to your film and wasn't just the movie studio selling out.

I'm happy to know that my $11 contributes to the total haul your movie has made in its opening week and therefore deemed it a success. I feel that a little part of me is in the movie, every time I hear about it. There were so many ways you could have taken the movie, but I'm glad you stuck to your guns and made a true Michael Bay movie. It's one that I know will stand the test of time and surely will land a spot on some AFI list for decades to come. I applaud your success and can't wait for Transformers 2. I don't know how you can top the original, but I'm certain that your cinematic genius will guide you.

Your fan,
DGB