The Wit and Wisdom of the Bean: Volume 8

After rejecting being taught how to tell time after getting a watch:  “I don’t need to know how to tell time with a watch!” (12/11)

The Bean: Can you get me the cereal?
DGB: Who am I, your butler?
The Bean: (pointing) Hey everybody, this old man said booty! (1/12)

At a hockey game: "Why do they say 'go Kings go? They don't move." (1/12)

The Bean: This watch makes me look fancy.
DGB: Oh, you want to look fancy?
The Bean: Duh, I'm a boy! (1/12)

“School is so worky!” (10/11)

“I keep thinking, why am I me? It’s hard to explain. Why am I me? I don’t even remember being in mommy’s tummy.” (11/11)

WonderWife™: Why weren’t you wearing underwear?
The Bean: Because it was Wednesday. (11/11)

"I smell stinky chocolate, or is it my feet?" (12/11)

The Bean: "I expected Disney World to look more like Mexico."* (12/11)

The Bean: Those things are in a force shield
WonderWife™: A force field.
The Bean: No, a force shield! (1/12)

The Bean: Aki.  Aki ya.
DGB: What are you doing?
The Bean: Speaking Spanish.
DGB:  That's not Spanish.
The Bean: I know!! (4/12)


*He's never been close to Mexico.


Past Wisdom:
Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3
Volume 4
Volume 5
Volume 6
Holiday Edition
Valentine's Day Edition
Volume 7

The Wit and Wisdom of Sprout: Volume 3

Sprout doesn't talk nearly as much as her brother (who pretty much doesn't stop yapping unless he's sleeping or watching Phineas & Ferb), but that doesn't mean she lacks wisdom. Check out these nuggets of goodness:


Sprout: "You made my sauce touch my chicken."
WonderWife™: " Mommy’s not perfect."
Sprout: "Ashley’s mom is." (8/11)

"I’m washing the car soapilly!" (9/11)

Sprout to WonderWife™: "Why can’t you read me a story?"
WW™: "Because I’m going to lay on the couch and do nothing while Daddy reads you a story."
Sprout (bursting into tears): "I want to do nothing too!" (9/11)

The Bean: "This rice tastes like poo."
Sprout: "Winnie the Pooh or just poo?" (11/11)

"Can you help me find Black Bear? He’s black and he’s a bear, Mom!" (11/11)

“Tonight I’m going to sleep with my eyes closed.” (11/11)

“Is smiling laughing without making any sound?” (12/11)

(Holding hand up to her granny's): "Granny, your hand is as old as Bean is." [5] (12/11)



Past Wisdom
Volume 1
Volume 2

The Wit and Wisdom of the Bean: Volume 7

Just because the Bean is getting older doesn't mean he's going to stop dropping knowledge on us like Zeus drops lightening...

After getting very angry: "[At my birthday party] I’m going to give you a goody bag with boring stuff. It’s going to have rice. It’s going to have a knife. A pie in the face. A pie in the ear and muddy water that will go on your wiener. Can I say wiener?" (4/11)

"How big is ‘yea’ big anyway?"  (4/11)

"I have a penis and my penis wiggles." (4/11)

Me: "How many hours in a day?"
The Bean: "What season are we talking about?" (6/11)

"You’re not winning you know, you’re just in first place."  (7/11)

"This hole where my tooth used to be is like a door into my mouth." (7/11)

"If you have an anchor tattoo, that means you’re really strong." (8/11)

Upon getting a bag of Skittles: "I got some S&M’s!!" (9/11)


Past Wisdom:
Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3
Volume 4
Volume 5
Volume 6
Holiday Edition
Valentine's Day Edition

The Wit and Wisdom of Sprout: Volume 2

There's more to my little girl than her steadfast refusal to allow me to read to her at night. She actually has a lot of wisdom. Here's some of it:

"Dad, I can speak cat!" (4/11)

WonderWife™: "What's wrong?"
Sprout:  "My bone hurts."
WW™: "Which one?"
Sprout: "The left one." (4/11)

Me: (putting Sprout down):  "Go, run be free."
Sprout:  "No, I’m going to be four." (5/11)

Me: "How do you fit all of that food in you?"
Sprout:  "I have five pipes!" (5/11)

"I have bare feet because bears don't wear anything on their feet." (5/11)

"Did you just fart? Because farts are funny." (5/11)

"Grownups say a lot of things." (6/11)



Previous Sprout Wisdom:
Volume 1

The Wit and Wisdom of the Bean: Volume 6

In what's become one of my favorite regular features here (okay my only regular feature), I'm happy to present a fresh batch of awesomeness direct from the brain of the Bean:


Me: "How was school today?"
The Bean: "Chocolate!" (10/10)

"My yo yo broke but that's ok. My brain gave me options and now I have two toys." (10/10)

Sprout: "Daddy is the best cooker."
The Bean: "But he’s not the best looker." (1/11)

"Real animals are not made of this stuff. Real animals do not have tags on their backs and their eyes are not hard. Real animals have squishy eyes." (10/10)

"Ice cream is healthy when you’re in the desert, cause it’s hot. When you’re in the desert you need to eat something cold cause it’s hotter there than summer and you might throw up." (12/10)

"I know why your body gets smaller when it gets old. It knows you’re getting old and it knows you’re going to die soon, so it gets smaller to fit in the hole [in the ground]." (12/10)

"If you have pink lipstick on how do you know what is the lipstick and what is your lip?" (12/10)

"You can tell they’re Hot Wheels because of the fire on their sides." (1/11)

"Lifeguards can throw out life savers, but they can't throw out lightsabers." (1/11)

"A cliff is land but then that land breaks apart." (1/11)

"You can really string this cheese!" (2/11)

Upon being asked if he’s excited to learn to drive when he’s older: "I don’t want to drive, I just want lots and lots of money." (2/11)

"Boys don’t like pretty, they like fancy." (2/11)



Past Wisdom:
Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3
Volume 4
Volume 5
Holiday Edition
Valentine's Day Edition

The Wit and Wisdom of the Bean: Valentine's Day Edition

A Valentine's Day "poem" from the Bean to his pre-school teacher:

"I love you. You should really believe that I love you. That is a special secret. If you're a clown, you'll get a special present--I'll throw a pie in your face. Clowns really like that."

The Wit and Wisdom of Sprout: Volume 1

The Bean isn't the only one who spouts wisdom on a regular basis.  Now that Sprout has taken command of the English language, she's filled with nuggets of insight too:

Me:  "How do you know that?"
Sprout:  "Because I'm a Smarty McSmart!" (11/10)

"You don't need to get soap in my eyes because my eyes aren't dirty." (11/10)

Sprout (pointing to WonderWife's™ mouth): "What's that?"
WW™: "That's a piece of loose skin on my lip."
Sprout: "Oh. Can I eat it?" (12/10)

"Oopsie Donald Duck!" (instead of "oopsie daisy") (1/11)

"Don't cut me, I'm your sister!" (1/11)

"Dad, by accident the Bean yelled at me!" (1/11)

The Wit and Wisdom of the Bean: Holiday Edition

Like everyone else, there’s been a lot of talk about the holidays around my house lately. But seeing as Hanukkah has been done and gone for a few weeks just as things are gearing up for Christmas. Naturally, the Bean has been trying to make sense of all of this…

“Only Hanukkah people can look at Christmas lights. Christmas people aren’t allowed to go see Christmas lights because they have their own.”

"Hanukkah wins the Piston Cup because it has 8 nights and Christmas has 1 and 8 is more than 1."

"It’s better that we have Hanukkah to you don’t have to go to sleep to open presents."

Watching the Grinch for the first time: “I’m really glad he didn’t steal Hanukkah”.

WonderWife™, after her second attempt at homemade egg nog: “It’s just right and filled with noggy goodness.”
The Bean: "Ewww!"


Happy holidays everyone!

The Wit and Wisdom of the Bean: Volume 5

“There’s a toy in the waterhole!” (misquoting Toy Story)

"When we see Toy Story 3 at home, you need to skip the fire part because if I see it I will freak out!" (July)

“What if my tush had eyeballs? Then I’d be able to see when I was on the potty.”

“When I dream my eyeballs turn up inside my head to see my brain.”

“It’s cow flavored milk.” (after seeing a cow on a milk carton) (August)

“What a great day to be a person!” (August)

“Dad doesn’t know!  He’s the father not the mother.” (August)

“When I eat this lollipop there’s water in my mouth that takes the sweet off the lollipop and puts it in my mouth. You hear that sound? That’s the water rushing down. I have a whole factory in my mouth that helps me eat this.” (9/8/10)

"Mommy, thank you for making me not a girl. I don't want to be a girl, because I don't want my tummy to be ripped open and have a baby come out." (9/17/10)

Pretending to be a cop: "I will give you one warning and if you're speeding I'll give you…...  two warnings. " (9/19/2010)

Me: Why did the frog cross the road?
The Bean: What??
Me: Why did the frog cross the road?
The Bean: What frog?


Read past wisdom:
Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3
Volume 4

The Wit and Wisdom of the Bean: Volume 4

The Bean: "Daddy, are you going to teach Sprout to push down her penis when she sits on the potty too?"
Me: "Sprout doesn’t have a penis, she’s a girl. She has a vagina."
The Bean: "Well, are you going to teach her to push down her fragina?”

“Sneezing before bed is fun!”

The Bean: “Who is that?”
Me: “That’s Iron Man.”
The Bean: “Does he like to iron?”

“I never want to sit on top of a cactus.”

"Dr. Seuss is the cat in the hat and he has three points on his ribbon so that's how we know."

The Bean: "Mom, can people eat when they have a baby in their tummy?"
WonderWife™: "Yup. They have to so that they can give their body and the baby's body energy. Why?"
The Bean: "Well the food will go in their mouth and go down, down, down, plop [plops hand on head] and land on the baby's keppie."

“Mom bought me a dirty book.” (The book was called I’m Dirty)

Me: “What rhymes with orange?”
The Bean: “Borange.”

Me: “Don’t eat too much. You have to listen to your tummy.”
The Bean: “But I don’t speak tummy.”

Me: "You're getting to be such a big boy."
The Bean: "Yeah, my penis is growing!"

"We’re not going to the Zoo, we’re going to the Natural History Museum. It’s like the zoo, except there’s more dinosaurs."

Past Wit:
Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3

The Wit and Wisdom of the Bean, Volume 3

My son is filled with nuggets of wisdom. (He's also filled with dirt, Play Doh and boogers, but that's another post.) So it gives me great pleasure to present to you the third showcase of the wisdom of the Bean:


“I will never get tired of eating food.”

While reading a picture book without words: “Mommy wiped the words away.”

“I tiptoed through the room because your eyes were closed but your ears were open.”

WonderWife™: "Are those pants too long?"
The Bean: "No. They are the same size as my legs."

“Kind of new isn’t new, it’s old.”

“You can’t go out in your jammies. Nobody wants to see that.”’

After watching Toy Story: “Blue infinity and peon!”

“Mommy, a boy has a lot of things to say.”

While wearing a windbreaker: “Now I can run around the house breaking wind.”

After being told he could not wear his jacket: "But I want to break wind!"

"Do you know what elephant food is called? Zoo-oup."

“The 2 girls in the house are wearing clothes and the 2 boys are still wearing their pajamas. That’s math!”


Click here for Volume 1

Click here for Volume 2

The Wit and Wisdom of the Bean, Volume 2

My son knows a great many things. Sometimes he likes to share his wisdom with us. Far be it for me to keep this information all to myself. And so once again, I share it with you...

“I have ribs cause I ate ribs. My mouth ate ribs and turned them into bone.”

“You’re pudgy because you’ve got a baby inside of you.” (Said to me)

“Look I have a Woody.” (Pointing to his crotch adorned with Toy Story underwear).

“Mommy you need to take the hair off your arms before it grows so long that ot goes up to the sky and hits the clouds and the rain will come out of the clouds.”

“Boys don’t wear rings!”
“So what do you call these?” I ask holding up my ring-adorned fingers.
“Tires.”

"I want to be a grownup so I can drive so I can go do Disneyland.”

"Your penis looks fun to play with."

“You have to put on gloves so you won't get snow in your veins.”

The Wit and Wisdom of The Bean

Did you know that Spider Man doesn't like to chew gum? This little nugget of wisdom was told to me by the Bean, directly after he told me that Spider Man chews vitamins.

I had no idea that my son had such an intimate working knowledge of Spider Man. But that's not all he knows. Here is a brief collection of some of the things the Bean has told me recently:

“If a pirate is standing on somebody they turn into a pirate.”

Question: "Are the animals and pirates in the rides at Disneyland real?"
The Bean: "They are real because they move."

“At the airport, they make us take off our shoes to check for scary crabs in them.”

The Bean calls Spongebob "Cheesebob" because, "he looks like cheese."

"Christmas snails. They are just around at Christmas time."

"This (firetruck) is a cheese truck because it has a camera on the back."

"A capri shirt is a shirt made out of capri pants."

"My talent is sleeping with people."

Question: "When you grow up are you going to be a doctor?"
The Bean: "No, I'm going to be an adult."